evil is alive and well.

The title of this post may appear to be a bit melodramatic, but I promise you it is not for two reasons: (1) it's in reference to a song on the new Jakob Dylan album which is not remotely melodramatic but instead very fantastic, and (2) my thesis may be evil but I have doubts as to the "alive" and "well" parts.

I stayed up all night the day before my parents came to visit for graduation in May. I was working on my last class final. I was extremely productive, partially cause I was hopped up on Diet Rockstar and partially because I thought that was the last all-my graduate career. Sadly, I was wrong. I'm turning in the first full draft of the thesis tomorrow and I still have a crap load to do. So it's the library for me... at least until they kick me out when they close at the absurdly early hour of eight p.m. (Although I've considered pulling a Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. If you have not read this book you must.)

And then I'm going to take a half hour dinner break in which I eat and watch the new Weeds episode (I tried to watch it last night but conked out like an oldie--but a goodie!). And THEN, i'm going to drink Diet Rockstar, drink of champions, and finish this MFer!

I'd like to say that today is IN FACT that last all-nighter, but optimism has clearly screwed me before.

--buelsy (pugilistic pessimist)

an exercise in running away.

So, I think I've reached a low point. Today as I was driving past Panera I decided to fill up my car with gas and drive to California. Because I am not above second guessing rash ideas and am particularly fond of iced green tea, I decided to go to Panera first. While at Panera, Google informed me that it would take 1 day and 2 hours to get away from here. In the RAV, this would equal about 339 dollars worth of gas. 339 dollars and 26 hours of driving would be totally worth it. It's tempting. I could hide in Simi Valley for a few days, or weeks, or months. Maybe even forever.

But contrary to popular belief, I am more mature than that. I am not going to run away again. I am going to stay here and compulsively chew gum, and listen to this and also this. And then I'll keep writing about things that frustrate me. Then I'm going to go night swimming and everything will be okay.

-buelsy (don't wanna get with the program)

note to self.

In case I am ever struck in the head with a blunt object and begin making life choices that are completely contrary to my core beliefs (hey, it's been known to happen), please remind me that I hate, Hate, HATE being in school and that I never want to go back.

--buelsy (some more pages down, some more pages to go)

dejavu, but not quite as sweet.

It's the middle of the night. I'm in my office, jacked up on caffeine and chewing gum and barbeque soy crips. I'm listening to Tegan and Sara's The Con. It's like last fall all over again. Remember that time, readers? Back when I used to work on my thesis? Little by little, day by day? Just like my dear adviser advised me to? Yes, those were the days. These days, on the other hand, I have to write sixty pages of thesis in one week. Sixty Pages! ONE WEEK! Yes, it's totally insufferable, and yes, it's totally my own *freaking* fault.

My only consolation? The MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers, Sixth Edition. Is it a sign that you have obsessive compulsive disorder if reading and repeating the rules of ellipses and citing anthologies keep you from scratching your eyeballs out and then banging your head over and over again on your keyboard?

I NEED (and by NEED I mean have been trained by consumerist society to WANT): New Chucks. More coffee. A face implant that puts Chapstick on my lips 24-7. An iPhone. A footrest that is red. A tiny person to live on my desk and dust things. Free iTunes for Life. My left elbow to stop itching. A doppleganger who will write my thesis, defend it and then conveniently cease to exist.

-buelsy (tougher than the rest?)

getting jiggy with it.

During the first five weeks of my first semester of UCLA, I was a great student. I remember taking this one class in particular, American Literature 1800-1900. I read all but 1 of the 11 books, foregoing lots of Welcome-To-College activities to do so. Once, I even locked myself in a study room on the first floor of Hedrick Hall, without my phone, without the internet, and without music. I stayed there for three hours in the middle of the day, and I wrote a paper. This behavior is incredible to me now. I was so cool back then. Not so much anymore...

It's been a while since I've posted, which is not a good thing in the grand scheme of life. When I write in this thing, it's usually as an escape-slash-writing-warm-up for thesis work. This means that no posting equals even less thesis writing (yes, there can be negative quantities).

The weekend was chaotic in a typical end-of-semester fashion. Enough said.

I just put on Tegan and Sara's The Con, which has historically transported me into a middle of the night productivity rampage. I'm of the belief that putting music on repeat can do that... literally force your brain to remain in one place long enough to get things done.

OTHER PAST MIDNIGHT MUSICAL REPEATS INCLUDE:

• David Bowie, Portuguesed
• Rachael Yammagata, "1969"
• Nelly, "Ride Wit Me"
• Damien Rice, "The Blowers' Daughter"

Sometimes it's just a matter of finding the right tune.

--buelsy (not gonna sleep tonight)

parenthesis and pants.

Last night I realized that the last couple of months have been strangely reminiscent of my first year at UCLA, almost completely because of my speechies. I used to lay on the ground in the hallways in Hedrick Hall (3 North, Baby!), and talk to people I loved for hours, regardless of the hours worth of homework I had to do. I'm pretty much doing the same thing now, only I get to sit in my office or peruse the squadroom. Yay for moving up, and yay for reliving the very, very best of times (Cheers, Charles Dickens). In example, last night I almost peed on myself when Anna McD literally appeared out of a trash can and I literally ran away (similar to that time I tried to go see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which is a horrible, horrible movie). I have not laughed that hard for a long time (or been so near to heart failure). There you go, Emmap. I totally blogged about it.

Christmas break cannot come too soon, but the above realization is going make it full of miss-age. I think that's one of the two best benefits of Facebook: 1) alleviation of school break friend miss-age, and 2) flat out stalking.

Thank God for academia and weeks that kinda* end on Thursday. Only two assignments and fourteen and a half hours left.

*This weekend, we (as in Baby Thesis** and me) are trying a new plan: the library.
**SD is helping me brainstorm for a Thesis name. Sadly, they don't have books of options for these things. Results coming soon.

--buelsy (ready to take a big, fat sleeping pill)

catch up time.

ITEMS I LOVE ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE VEHICLES FOR KETCHUP:
-Hard boiled eggs
-Scrambled eggs
-Eggs in general
-Hot Dogs
-Hamburgers
-Chicken McNuggets
-French Fries
-Sweet Potato Fries
-Hash Browns
-Breakfast Potatoes
-Potatoes in general
-Onion Rings
-Cheese Curds
-John Kerry

The No-Drinking-Till-My-Thesis-Is-Born Idea: Decision made. I will not drink until my thesis is turned in to the graduate college. HOWEVER, there will be three preexisting non inclusions to this plan. 1) 1-2 California Christmas Break Instances (in which it would be socially awkward to politely refuse), 2) Valenslime's Day (what's love without a little drunk?) , and 3) Complete-And-Utter (udder!) Nervous Breakdowns. Important Note: These are not intentions to deviate from The Plan, but rather last resorts designed to prevent my admittance to a mental health facility (we really just can't afford that). Furthermore, these non inclusions will be limited to 2 drinks of choice, and will not resemble binge drinking, which I learned from a persuasive speech in Oral Comm. today is very bad indeed.

In other (less interesting) news, I started taking vitamins again and now my stomach wants to kill me. Literally. It is attempting to end my life right now. Vitamins and I apparently do not get along. Ow.

I'll be in my office until late Thursday evening, doing all of the work that I failed to complete over Thanksgiving "Break." Then on Friday, best day of all days, I will collapse face down for several hours and be assumed comatose by A. Then I will doing Anything-But-School for several more hours. This may or may not include: Christmas Present Shopping, Christmas Card Making, Hat Knitting, and Writing More Blog Posts With Too Many Unnecessary Capitol Letters.

--buelsy (ouch. my life hurts.)

headache city.

I'm playing around with this little idea called: no drinking until the thesis is complete (April 15, 2008 is the current due date). I believe this course of action would be beneficial for four (for four!) reasons:

1) Like babies, theses risk birth defects when their mothers imbibe alcohol (Mine has arguably already incurred damage. I'm sorry, little thesis!)
2) Alcohol kills brain cells. If I have EVER in my life needed brain cells, it's now. I can kill them later... when I have tenure.
3) Think of all the calories! This would be a good way to kick start the diet I've been procrastinating on and lose a good five to ten pounds without going to the gym (cringe).
4) Alchie is expensive. No drinks for five months could translate into lots of other lovely consumerism for Buelsy.

I'm not making a final decision yet, because let's face it, five months is long time to be the Designated Driver, the Sober and Snobby Onlooker, the Polite Decliner, and the Crazed Graduate Student without Release (Well, I take that last one back. I in fact find release in plenty of other things such as Reality TV, Really Good Thai Food, Going to Target, and Online Window Shopping). Thinking very seriously about this whole idea, though... final decision coming soon.

I have SO MUCH TO DO today. First and most importantly: eat some oatmeal and take something pharmaceutic to stop the sensation of entire freeways of cars crashing into my head.

--buelsy (all about the excess)

exciting news...

Thanks to K for the above. How awesome is that? I think I need every article of my clothing to be adorned with this announcement-slash-warning so that the rest of the world will finally understand why I am the way I am.

--buelsy (lots of christmas music, not a lot of productivity)

side note(s).

I'm all about soothing life's traumas (see previous post) with animated movies. Watching Flushed Away right now. With Hot Wings/Blue Cheese Doritos. Which are fab.

Bee-Tee-Dub (if you get that sort of lingo, I love you), I was just realizing to A that I'm only going to be home for three days over the two weeks, so if I'm not so much about the updating, this is why:

Friday-Sunday (late, late): Tournament in Wisconsin
Monday: The First of Three Days Home
Tuesday: Tournament in Minnesota
Wednesday-Sunday: NCA
Monday-Tuesday: The Second and Third of Three Days Home
Wednesday-Friday: Chicago for Thanksgiving
Friday-Sunday: Coma-Like Sleep

At this point? Either I'm going to have to become an incredible Work-While-Traveling sort of person, or my thesis (and graduate career in general) is just a figment of imagination.

I need to do laundry. I think I'll pass out first.

--buelsy (bye for now)

holy november.

I have these shoes. I love them, but the heel on the left shoe has a distinct squeak. I notice it every day when I'm walking through the hall from Lang Hall to Maucker Union to get coffee. To be honest, it makes me feel a little psychotic.

This is quite possibly the most wonderful thing that's happened this week (along with that whole thesis getting signed off thing). It's free, which throws me into a mental state of anxious frenzy: how can something this great be free? when will they start charging? when will the bandwidth start f-ing up? why can't people such as myself just be happy and go with it?

Apartment Therapy: aptly named.

Bowling tonight, for potential embarrassment and old time's sake. Something to write on hand: say no to 25 cent hot dogs and 1 dollar beer. Check.

--buelsy (new music makes everything better)

word association.

I like Google's dependable sense of holiday spirit.

As you may or may not have realized, I had a momentary break through at the laundry room last night and consequentially felt very confident for my Prospectus Defense today. It went pretty well. My thesis is semi-different than what I thought it was, but in a good way. I have more clarity and direction now. Yay. I also have some catch up work to do on my supposedly three-fourths of the way done Method Chapter. Boo.

Speaking of "boo," happy Halloween. There's a party in the squadroom, complete with streamers, costumes, and an ouija board. I, in the spirit of adding to the party, am going to bring a hefty bit of grading that needs to be done by tomorrow morning.

Speaking of tomorrow morning, effectively, there are only two more days of Oral Communication to teach. The rest are "speech days," when they get to do the talking. There would be three left, but I'm tapping into professional liberty and canceling class so that K, A and I can drive to NCA in Chicago a day early.

Speaking of early, I want to take a muscle relaxer because my back has functionally "quit," but I have to wake up early, and in my world, muscle relaxers last about fifteen hours.

Speaking of hours, only 24 hours until Friday Funday, complete with Netflix, wine, vietnamese/thai food, and lots and lots of brain cell inactivity.

--buelsy (where's the candy?)

wash and dry.

The laundry room in my complex is the absolute best place to get work done--at least during dinner time on Tuesday nights when it's completely empty and lacks the a.d.d. enticements of Messy Manor and my office. The sound of the washers and dryers is comforting too. Alone, but not really. As far as prospectus prepping goes, maybe self-destructive patterns really can be broken. I'm remembering that I love to analyze political campaigns, and I didn't even have to take any stimulants.

--buelsy (diggin' for quarters)

tough times.

Next time you're in graduate school, think back to these words of wisdom: Doing two years of graduate work in a little over one year sounds like a great idea! It also may kill you! Have fun!

--buelsy (hindsight really is twenty-twenty)

maniacal candy eating gets the job done.

PARTICULARLY RELEVANT ISSUES FOR OCTOBER 16, 2007:

1. I can't stop eating candy. Every time I think I'm over candy, the "over-ness" only lasts for about five minutes, and then an alert in my brain goes off saying (in a startling good impression of Willy Wonka): "There are things in this world made purely of sugar! You're an adult! You can consume them whenever you want!" And then I cave. I mean, come on... it's candy.

2. I love blogs--I need blogs, but I have found it nearly impossible in the past to maintain one. Nonetheless, at this point in my life, when thesis writing is pretty much like breathing (if you're not doing anything else, you better be doing this!), I've found that non-academic writing is actually a pretty good mental warm-up to the beautiful headache that is Judith Butler, Gayatri Spivak, Karlyn Kohrs Campbell and me. That being said, I'm going to make a concerted effort to start blogging on a semi-regular, if not actually regular basis. We'll see.

LIFE HAPPENINGS WORTHY OF MENTION:

• Plane tickets to California for Christmas: Purchased.

• Wikipedia research on the making of the Internet: Contrary to popular belief, Al Gore did not invent it. Guess he got the Nobel Prize for something else.

• Snakemouth (my partner in crime) is coming to visit me in a little more than a week: Ridiculous amounts of excitement.

• Prospectus Committee Meeting: Scheduled for Wednesday, October 31st at 1:30 p.m. There will be candy.

• Gave in and bought new make-up from Bare Escentuals: UPS, move your butt.

QUANDARIES AND CONJECTURE:

Q: I need new music.
C: Multiple choice testing is ridiculous.
Q: The bathroom is very far from my office. This is a quandary without remedy, but still worthy of public gripe.
C: I have the best speech team in the world (They virtually destroyed at a TCFL tournament in MN today). I heart them.
Q: There's a paper that needs to be written. Sadly, by me.
C: Loving A even more than usual.

--buelsy (walking in socks at the university of northern iowa).